English Creative Story

Hey IFC,
This isn’t the same short story as before, I have read all of your comments and tried to put them into account.

I have made the short story (1000ish words) for my English assessment, please read my story and write as much constructive criticism as possible.

QANTAS FLIGHT 403
As soon as Mark opened his eyes and noticed that he was feeling groggy and very confused, there was a slightly aggravating beeping sound adjacent from him. When turning to the privative sound it revealed itself, Mr Hawk was in a hospital with a cardiac machine beeping his pulse out. But why here, how did he get here? Quickly a nurse shuttled into the room.
“Hello Mr Hawk" she said.
Mark responded, “Hey, are… why am I in hospital”.

The nurse told him about the serious car accident of which had caused significant amnesia. She also said that there were two men from the Civil Aviation Safety Authority (CASA) here to evaluate him. Seconds later they arrived, they explained that due to his injuries he would have to take a test to see if he was able to continue flying, he accepted and was given the test. It was only a few questions of which were incredibly basic like, which indicator displays airspeed? Obviously this only took him and few minutes to successfully complete the test and so was immediately was given back his Airline Transport Pilot License (ATPL) and his rank as a Captain. It took a few more hours but finally, Captain Hawk was discharged from the hospital.

On the way home, Mark decided to visit his airline to confirm with them that he was legally able to fly. Upon entering Qantas headquarters, he took the elevator the third floor and went into a room of which was monitoring the operation centre with about 200 people looking over every single Qantas and QantasLink flight in the world. Mark quickly found Matt Hanks who was the operations manager and the person who scheduled all his flights. About an hour later, long after Mr Hawk had expected, he finally left the building reflecting on what had been said. They highly recommend him to take a break but if he wishes, Mark is allowed to fly but only with a senior First Officer (F/O). In his head, he did agree with them on resting but also knew that his job was also a financial requirement for his family and recovery and so went home to get a good nights rest for the flight the following day.

The next morning at 0500, Mark received a text from Mr Hanks saying “0635 departure with VH-VXD from SYD to MEL with senior F/O Skies, the airline still strongly suggest that you rest even for a few days. Call me and I can get a replacement crew for you.”

After 35 minutes of getting ready and driving to work, he finally made it to the flight briefing which was where the crew got to know each other and talk about the following flight before going to Sydney airport terminal 3. They all got through security and made their way to their aircraft, a beautiful Boeing 737-838 with the stylish airline name proudly painted on the glossy aircraft’s fuselage. When they were on board the aircraft, the Captain requested F/O Skies to do a walk around of the aircraft making sure everything is in perfect condition while Captain Hawk started with the preflight work. Moments after F/O Skies left the cockpit, Mark realises that he couldn’t remember how to actually complete the pre-flight checks and remembered the doctor saying “it is likely that some of your memory will be absent but only for a few days”. With this in mind, the Captain got out the checklists as always but also the Quick Reference Handbook (QRH) and somehow managed to complete what was required. F/O Skies finally came back into the cockpit with the good news and said: “I know Qantas said that I had to be here but do you want to do the flying and I’ll do the radio communication” to which the Captain agreed.

A while later with all the passengers finally on board and with their pushback then taxi clearance, they made their way at a slow 15kts Ground Speed (GS) to runway 16 Left.

Finally, after making their way to the hold short line, the pilots switched their radio frequencies to Tower (TWR) and were happily welcomed with “Qantas 403, winds are 344@10kts, runway 16L cleared for takeoff” to which F/O Skies calmly responded, “runway 16L cleared for takeoff, Qantas 403”.

And with that done, Captain Hawk pushed the two thrust levers and they were off! Seconds later the F/O commanded “80kts” to which the Captain replied “80kts check”.

When the 737 got up to 130kts which was their rotate (takeoff speed), F/O Skies said “rotate” but Mark thought he was telling to him turn vertically to compensate for wind and so he assertively punched the left rudder with his foot to be heading into the wind. F/O Skies became very confused because he was looking at his Primary Flight Display (PFD) and wasn’t seeing the artificial horizon going up and so he kept commanding “ROTATE”. With no vertical climb response, F/O Skies took over the controls while stating “I HAVE CONTROL”. He pulled the control column back so they could climb and too which they did but they immediately started to bank excessively as Captain Hawk was concentrating too much on the aircraft to hear that the F/O had taken control. Alarms started shouting “PULL UP, TERRAIN, PULL UP, DON’T SINK, PULL UP, TOO LOW TERRAIN, TOO LOW FLAPS, SINK RATE, PULL UP!” Immediately F/O Skies tried to pull the control column up as much as he could but his feet weren’t on the rudder, therefore having no idea that his Captain was trying to turn the aircraft.

For the first time in the whole flight, F/O Skies, looked up from his PFD to see them diving straight towards a Virgin Australia A330 which was lifting off on the parallel runway to them. He desperately tried to turn the aircraft but they both knew they would soon succumbed to their miserable fate. The plane swopped down hitting the other aircraft at over 170kts immediately destroying both aircraft and killing all 400 on board the 737 and A330. Thick black smoke started rising from the wrecks as bystanders and ATC stood shocked in horror as the burning mess confirmed there would be no survivors.

Do you think I should get rid of the aviation terminology for my english teacher?:(

  • Yes, definitely!
  • Yes, good idea
  • Yeah… kinda
  • Nah it should be fine
  • Nope sounds fine
  • Definetly keep it there!

0 voters

Thanks a lot, everyone!

4 Likes

Crazy I say it, but you should simplify it. A teacher can’t necessarily be really into the story if he/she has to know aviation vocabulary. A weird pause in the story to explain can make a story seem like a documentary.

Instead, write something like “The plane lumbered down the runway and slowly began to leave the ground.”

For this one, write something similar to “The co-pilot stared at his instruments blankly.”

6 Likes

You know what, I wrote a story like this back when I was in 7th grade. (In high school now)

It was a fictional narrative essay… I may post it ;)

It was 2000 words long and five pages at an 11 font… lmao

Wow that was dark…
The writing quality was great. One thing I would recommend is that you watch the repetition. You said “He” many times.
Maybe replace them with
“The (not-so) Trusty Captain”
“Captain Hawk”
“The disabled pilot”
etc (not the best examples but you get my point)

It’s all fun and games until a head injury causes hundreds of fatalities and your English teacher sends you to the counselor because of your story’s very dark ending

5 Likes

OMG you recommend replacing it with Captain Hawk, that’s what I had for all of them and I had to change many to “he” or whatever! That’s a joke and a half.

1 Like

I wrote a story in English based upon this fictional hypersonic interceptor/air superiority fighter. Had everything from just typical fighter pilot banter, sorties, dogfight scenes, basically what an 80’s stealth fighter movie would go out like. Of course, I kinda went beyond the due date with it (I’m known for over-writing stuff), but for the effort, teacher gave me full credit.

(If Lockheed Martin had built what this guy came up with, I think it would be as legendary as the F-14)

Wow that was pretty dark 😟 but anyways I like the plot of the story. Most story’s that people create in regards to aviation always take forever to get to the point. It was pretty straight forward and had a good ratio of detail and getting to the climax. The only thing I would say to add is different wording. Don’t try and use “ he “ all the time and try and use some “ bigger words “ I notice teachers tend to like reading stories with good vocabulary. But to sum it all up I really enjoyed it , Good work 👍

Until my english teacher sends me to the counsellor? Ptt please, I already see the counsellor once a week (for different reasons!!).

Here are your grades for your essay

A* for creativity
A* for most confusing story in the whole intire known universe
A* for overall

Also can anyone help with what he was trying to promote

I’m not trying to promote anything, just doing a creative writing piece for english in 1000 words… or less than 10% over in my case!

Ok but A* for creativity

Thanks a lot mate, I’m not the best at english and providing a creative writing piece about flying without all of the aviation terms is REALLY difficult!

Yeah sounds better.

This is an amazing piece of artwork I would never be able to create, well done!

Please feel free free to reread my story and provide more feedback (the more the better!) and don’t forgot to vote!

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